Inside This Issue
Managing Stress by Susan McKee It's a balancing act. More
women than ever are in the workforce (more than half of wives, and more
than a third with children under 6)--yet once we arrive home, we're faced
with all those household chores. The competing demands of work and family
are a daily reality, leaving little time left over for self-nurture.
But--self-nurture seems somehow, well, selfish! Bet you're feeling
guilty already-we're not supposed to think selfish thoughts, are we? We're
not used to thinking about ourselves. How can any of us justify making
time for the purely personal when the laundry is stacked to the ceiling,
dinner isn't planned yet alone prepared, the kids need to be picked up at
soccer practice -- and the boss just dropped a "you don't mind finishing
this before you leave today" assignment?
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Welcome to the stressed out life of the
modern woman. I'm not talking about the big stuff here, but minor league
stress that just isn't in the same category as the truly traumatic: fatal
illness, becoming the victim of a crime, the death of a child, loss of a
spouse. But, if we can't manage the small stuff, how can we survive the
events in life over which we have no control?
You know all about delegating and time shifting and multi-tasking -
that's why you're stressed out. We're responsible for it all, and feel
guilty when we can't squeeze even more chores into our already busy days.
But, the list of things to be done will still be there tomorrow .Dealing
with everyday stress is something that must be done daily. When is there
time for that? Guilt leads to stress, which leads to more guilt, which
leads to….
Stop it already! Enough guilt! Enough! The days of being responsible
for everything and doing it all are over. The days of taking time for
ourselves have arrived.
Think about it. If you're always stressed out, everything in life
becomes more difficult. With no time in the daily grind set aside to relax
and regroup, how can you cope calmly and effectively with the next crisis?
OK, OK. You don't have two weeks to spend luxuriating at a spa (a
benefit workers in some European countries take for granted). But, you can
add little pieces of such peace to your everyday life. Here's how:
First rule: no whining. Whining is counterproductive to dealing with
stress. It annoys everyone and doesn't do you any good. You know your
husband is never going to notice that the living room rug needs vacuuming
no matter how much you nag. Either hire it out, make the kids do it, or do
it yourself -- less often.
Laughter often is the best medicine. The liberal use of humor not only
puts you in a better mood, but those around you will feel better, too
(laugh and the world laughs with you…). The dinner casserole is still
splat on the floor if you laugh about the spill, but nobody runs out of
the room in tears, either.
Cultivate an optimistic outlook on life. There's a big difference
between considering the glass half empty or thinking it half full. Your
life may not include all the aspects you'd hoped, but you have enough to
eat, a roof over your head, adequate clothing and available medical care,
right? That's not true for most women in the world, is it. This sobering
reminder isn't to make you feel even more guilty, but to remind you to
count your blessings before you check for what may be missing. So what if
dinner is from Boston Market instead of your very own oven? Your
grandmother had to kill and pluck the chicken!
Create some quiet time in your day. It may be a few moments in the
morning before the kids wake up, or ten minutes in the shower, or even
during your commute. Think of the car as your isolation booth. Put on some
soothing music or a calming environmental tape (ocean waves, perhaps, or a
spring rain) and imagine yourself relaxed and stress free. If you're home,
light a scented candle to delight yet another sense.
Use this is time to nurture your individuality. What makes you
different from anyone else? What are your favorite pastimes? Well, what
were they before you had children? Journaling-the capture of personal
meditation in writing-is one way to recapture identity, too.
Be good to your physical self. If you're not well, you never will have
the energy to complete all those things on your to-do list. Mom was right.
Good nutrition, regular exercise and enough sleep are absolutely essential
to well being. Stop shortchanging yourself and practice what you preach.
Speaking of preaching, take the time to nurture your spiritual self.
This may mean becoming involved with a religious organization, or
beginning a solitary journey. Many find their greatest respite in
community, but individual prayer is another path to peace.
Both prayer and meditation can fire inner resources of courage,
patience, persistence and confidence, but such meditation does not have to
be religious. It can be a practice of cleansing the mind of worry and
concentrating on the "here and now" leading to a heightened awareness of
each day.
Part of this spiritual nurture can be forgiveness - the willingness to
let go of old hurts and move on. On Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, Jews
make peace with mistakes, injustices and wrong doings during the previous
year. Christians each Sunday confess sins "in thought, word and deed" for
what's been done - and "by what we have left undone."
Of course, nurturing the spiritual and the physical don't have to be
separate pursuits, as those who practice yoga or t'ai chi know well. A
walk in the woods (ablaze with fall color this time of the year)can
combine prayer or meditation on the beauty of nature with exercise.
Finally, don't ignore friendship. You might think you don't have time,
what with work, spouse, children, housework and all - but you need the
company of your own kind, and now we have research to back up what we've
known all along. Earlier this year, researchers at the University of
California in Los Angeles released a study identifying a broad biological
and behavioral pattern that explains how women deal with stress
differently than men. They exhibit "fight-or-flight" behavior.
We women "tend and befriend"--and this is true for the female of many
species. We respond to stressful conditions by protecting and nurturing
children ("tend"), and by seeking social contact and support from others,
especially other women ("befriend").
You've probably retreated home to cuddle the kids when threatened by
everything from unemployment to a thunderstorm. But, you need friends,
too, to advise and commiserate when you're down and provide practical help
when you most need it. Even something as simple as talking on the phone to
a friend or relative makes you feel better.
"The tend-and-befriend pattern exhibited by women probably evolved
through natural selection," reports UCLA principal investigator Shelley E.
Taylor. "Thousands of generations ago, fleeing or fighting in stressful
situations was not a good option for a female who was pregnant or taking
care of offspring, and women who developed and maintained social alliances
were better able to care for multiple offspring in stressful times."
So, there you have it. Tend, befriend - and don't feel guilty about
taking care of yourself. If you'd like some tips, here are two sources of
great advice:"Break the Stress Cycle! by Judith Sachs (Adams Media
Corp., 1998) and The Working Woman's Guide to Managing Stress by J.
Robin Powell (Prentice-Hall, 1994). About the Author M
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